?

Log in

The Fashion Pigs [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
The Fashion Pigs

[ website | http://images.google.com/images?q=dscf0001.jpg ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

what the hell is with men's fashion this season [Sep. 13th, 2009|11:06 pm]
The Fashion Pigs

zephyrcrow

oh nothing much broheim, just chillin in my tuxedo jacket and miniskirt


a turn-of-the-century minstrel made out of glitter, i guess that's pretty unique


a geisha/sherpa/heroin dealer with sequins okay that's cool with me


and another fucking jacket that looks like a motherfucking turkey in an oven bag.


okay. i'm done. no really fashion i'm done with you
Link5 comments|Leave a comment

yo check it here's some fall 09 [Jul. 25th, 2009|02:49 pm]
The Fashion Pigs

zephyrcrow

$3000 for a designer jumpsuit and cowboy hat. Maybe if you had billions to blow on nonsense and a "just kidding" attitude about it, you culd get away with it. But it's much more likely that girls would look at you and think of a.) the smell of Bag Balm and b.) trying to get horse hair out of their dresses.


This is the quintessential "I am a bad guy" look that's been drilled into our heads by every kung-fu movie, so subliminally, we're all thinking of roundhouse kicking this dude in the chops.


The aliens are getting closer to emulating "earth garb" but aren't all the way there yet.


(inhales from Swisher Sweet) "I call this look... the Eureka." (chest hair billows in the wind)


If only there was some way to engineer a garment such that it directs the viewer's eye directly to your Area.


Investment banker by day, Hot Topic clone by night.


Got a baseball jacket and khakis lying around? That's an okay look, but you could really punch it up with your mom's purse and a scarf that looks like beef curtains.
Link1 comment|Leave a comment

fashion commentary, featuring sean [May. 22nd, 2009|04:29 pm]
The Fashion Pigs

zephyrcrow


Renee: he looks like a skiing elf
Sean: There's a reason why there has yet to be common parlance about "Dressed up preppies, with their $500 poofball hats"




Renee: dj qualls in a quilted turkey baking bag
Sean: I swear there's an invisble hamster he's crushing with the right foot which puts him on the brink of release.
Renee: holy crap sean
Sean: Look at the dude
Renee: did you know yellow shoelaces are an indicator of piss fetish? it's like hanky code




Renee: it's an mc escher drawing of adam ant.
Sean: I've seen the future, and its filled with drag queens wrapped in space twinkies.




Renee: this is what rivers cuomo beats off to
Sean: Its like a test pattern, if test patterns stopped you from ever having sex with anyone ever.
Renee: test patterns are a natural contraceptive
Sean: I'm tasting the flavors of the rainbow, and it tastes like expired asthma medication.




Sean: I like the flair he has on his shoulders. Its like he's working at Arby's, but with fascist leprechauns.




Sean: MANBURKA
Renee: this is the first time i've ever seen someone in a trenchcoat and been genuinely concerned that they might shoot up a school
Sean: Its also an odd cross-street of dark tormented guy and nun.
Sean: Like if you went goth after everyone made fun of you for Bridget Cosplaying.




Renee: he looks like jesse camp dressed as a plazoid
Sean: This guy is the Rorschach test of fashion models.
Sean: I see a latter day final fantasy character getting attacked by a boa constrictor. He's probably being dealt 84 damage as we speak.
Renee: all i can see in the clash of random patterns is two bats fighting and a side profile of my mother




Sean: I always wanted to have sex with pee wee herman but felt like he needed more weird, more sexless and more staring.
Renee: this guy is doing a modern art piece where he tries to see how many girls he can get to vow celibacy
Renee: total: 27
Sean: I think its one of those tests where you focus on his suit and then your skin looks like its crawling




Sean: Underneath those incredibly unfortunate layers he has a denim jacket. Its probably totally awesome and says something about hustling on it. He is the fashion world's clark kent.




Renee: looking at this picture is like doing meth cut with bleach
Sean: I often like my women to look like neanderthals who were just cummed on by giant spider monsters. It puts me in that sword & sorcery mood.
Link2 comments|Leave a comment

Men's ready-to-wear, Fall 2009 [Apr. 23rd, 2009|09:36 pm]
The Fashion Pigs

zephyrcrow
Fashion this year is hard. Alexander McQueen's clothing was surprisingly non-ridiculous. Even Ralph Lauren, Douchebag King, decided to play shit down this year. (I've got to say, "recession chic" is pretty goddamn boring.) But there are still some little bits of gold. Bear in mind that these aren't even the haute couture selections - they're ready-to-wear, which means designers want you to put this shit on and leave the house.


(Missoni)

If you layer your woolens carefully, you too can look exactly like the sullen little bully in Let The Right One In.

(Prada)

Thank god you're here! I'm fucking freezing. I'm going to slit open your belly and huddle against your innards.

(Prada)

I want you to read the runway review of this retarded show from men.style.com. Check out the LEATHER V-NECK and then read this:
"As Miuccia Prada saw it, the message of her latest men's collection was simple and obvious. 'Survival,' she said backstage. 'And to survive, you have to be strong.' ... Toughen up, tough it out — that's what the leather and metal was saying."
(If you want any more proof that Prada is pretentious, hilarious pap, I don't know what to tell you.)

(Shipley and Halmos)

A wisp-thin cardigan in soothing flesh tones is the perfect way to broadcast your interest in making suits out of human skin, without being all vulgar about it.

(Shipley and Halmos)

A good way to decorate your Asian is to dye him a deep orange and dress him like a Blackjack dealer.

(Versace)

What the fuck is going on with the fur this season. People. You can get away with wearing a bit of fur if you're a hot girl, but when you're the dude in the vest you look like space-age Trapper John (not the MD).

(Yohji Yamamoto)

"Renee, you sure make fun of Yohji Yamamoto a lot."
Oh, come on, look at this motherfucker. He's the Humpty Dance guy crossed with a somber clown.

(Yohji Yamamoto)

This is what Creepy Richard from Aphex Twin has sexual fantasies about. Himself, half-dressed in a candy-colored "business mom" outfit.
Link7 comments|Leave a comment

Hair [Nov. 10th, 2007|12:03 pm]
The Fashion Pigs

zephyrcrow
Today I am going to go get a haircut. I know what will happen because it is the same thing that always happens.
1. I will bring in 3 or 4 carefully selected, tasteful photos of people with similar face shapes to mine.
2. I will explain to the stylist that my hair, being wacky and AZN, tends to grow outward instead of downward, so could she please minimize the puffiness by thinning the hair a bit?
3. I will wait, patiently. Ever so patiently. Plotting. Scheming.
4. Maybe I black out for a bit at this part.
5. I wake up with puffy soccer-mom hair that is razored, not shaved, and that is volumized, not minimized. I do not know how the fuck they do it.

While I was looking for haircuts this time, I ran across probably my favorite mens' hair site ever: http://www.armati.nl/armati/kapsels.htm
Check this fucking shit out. Don't even read the words I wrote. Just look at the pictures and... let it wash over you.


KAPSELS HEREN-SALON, LOCATEN POOMF IN DIE MIDDLEN DE UNCANNY VALLEY


It's a wax figure of an Arab diplomat with a drug problem.


I looked at this picture for more than 5 seconds and now I can't see colors or do math.


Just no.


KAPSELS: DIE HOTTEST HEREN-STYLEN FROM 1994


He is doing an impression of a horse that is about to get its ass kicked.


Douchebag in the front, douchebag in the back.


The expression on this guy's face makes me want to punch everyone in the world in the dick.
Link1 comment|Leave a comment

Fall 2007 Couture: Every Bad Thing Ever, Part 1 [Jul. 9th, 2007|10:21 am]
The Fashion Pigs

zephyrcrow
Sometimes I get excited about couture because it takes real artistry to turn simple fabric into a rich garment that entices, flatters and has personality. Some designers give us the human soul writ large upon a tapestry that is at turns subdued and glamorous, traditional and modern.

Other times, it's a big pile of winkingly ironic, overly baroque tomfoolery that looks like seven cats stapled together and draped in glitter. With the popularity of animal prints and royalty-inspired looks, this is one of those times.

If you're going to read on, go ahead and make a doctor's appointment for the hernia you're about to have.


Who ordered the coconut Snowball with the hatchet face on top? Nah, just kidding. I love this outfit because it's probably flattering to every body type.


DAAAAAAVY
DAAAAAAAAAAVY CROCKETT
KING OF THE WILD FRONTIEEEER


I kinda have flashbacks to that David Bowie video* for "Ashes to Ashes." I remember the part where he was a girl and wearing a stupid hat and then I ran onscreen and throat-punched the shit out of him, right then and there, and he fell on the ground gagging and kicking.


I was actually scared for a minute, because I thought this was a disembodied baby head haunting a fencing costume,* like a Scooby Doo episode but for real-reals.


Pardonnez-moi, mademoiselle! I can't help but notice your head is fucking tiny. The beads on your necklace are the same size as your head. And you are not allowed to cut a hole in a sleeping bag and drape it over your body (unless you live in Arcata).


I would like to rip off the sexy robot half and leave the vapid Ibiza celebrity DJ half* to die of blood loss.


You may not believe me now, but come August-ish, the "big shambling pile of carpet remnants" look is going to be HOT!


No matter where you went to high school, we all had the kid who read too many Sandman comics and doodled all over their face with wobbly black eye-pencil. And even then we knew it was bullshit. Now there is simply no excuse.


Collage is an art form maybe when you're 10.
Link5 comments|Leave a comment

THIS IS WHY I'M HOT, YOU AIN'T 'CAUSE YOU NOT [May. 18th, 2007|06:19 am]
The Fashion Pigs

zephyrcrow

Every time I read your media critiques, all I'm going to be able to think of is your two-toned hair and funky eyebrows. GIRRRRRL! Get some concealer and some Feria, and go fix your shit up.


I'm trying to get people on the "Anarchism = Sexy" bandwagon and you're seriously not helping. Don't you have some fishnets and ten-hole Docs you're just dying to break out? I'm relying on you, Emma.


Oh, man! After I read "Temporary Autonomous Zone" I totally thought you would be some sexed-out ninja on acid with a giant third eye or maybe a hula hoop. Quit being my grandpa and start being my mental image of you. Now.


YO WUTZ POPPIN', Mikhail! This is awesome. See, Russians just dress better than Americans. I'm not sure what's going on with the shitlocks hair (I can see ants crawling in it) but the outfit is good. It has that "dress-up" quality to it that says: lol guyz, just playin'.


Bitch please. The only conspiracy going on right now is how to get you out of that flannel shirt. What is with everyone and the California Casual. STOP ALREADY.


See, here we are! You don't have to get all gayed-out, Karl Lagerfeld, haute couture and shit. Just take a fucking shower every once in a while like Noam and you're cool. Now get out there and make some critically-lauded DVDs, Miss Thang!
Link5 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject) [May. 7th, 2007|04:54 pm]
The Fashion Pigs

zephyrcrow

I normally don't trash on celebrities because it can be pretty over-done. Comedy is like hair bleach. You have to know when to stop otherwise your comedy hair follicles start to fall out and you have to use Hair Club for Comedy. That's pretty embarrassing.


I never thought I'd say this about anybody ever, but he needs to bring the Nazi thing back.
The only good thing about this outfit (and facial hair) is that he looks like he might have a bottle of Doctor Shyster's Heroin Cough Tonic in his pocket - that shit is delicious!


This was on men.style.com as a "look" that they were seriously advocating for. I'm about to commit a hate crime on those shorts.


(Chanel 2007)


Someone at Pixar had this great idea to do a "Happy Feet" tie-in with pretend hobos from Market Street and boy did it work! Check out that sassy little fella! This sweater makes me realize the true meaning of friendship!


(Duckie Brown 2007)


David Byrne big suit? Emo flip? Strangler gloves? Check, check and check! I'm ready for a night of walking around listening to music that is described as "angular" (possibly Franz Ferdinand).


This is a Magic Eye picture. If you cross your eyes, he turns from Yao Ming in a bad suit jacket into TWO Yao Mings in bad suit jackets. Then if you cross your eyes the other way it's a girl showing her pussy. Did you do it? I can't get my eyes to go the other way.


BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


(Kim Jones 2007)


I'm thinking about the scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey where the astronaut becomes a giant toddler, grows an extra thyroid and gets that Mayan treatment where they wrap your head with boards until it's square. Remember that part?


THE LATINO JUGHEAD THING IS COMING BACK! No, this looks like something people get each other to wear on a dare. The guy puts on the whole outfit, looks at his watch for 5 seconds and then says, "Dude, no, I can't. Look at me. I look so, so bad."


You are a Winamp visualization. You are only good for showing to people on DXM. Go away, and don't come back unless you have Robitussin Cough Gels.
Link15 comments|Leave a comment

The Evolution of a Fat Drunk Queer Shithead [Apr. 5th, 2007|02:57 am]
The Fashion Pigs

zephyrcrow

What, Internet? What's that you say? A 16-year-old you wouldn't fuck? Well, just you wait until the "sullen cow" look comes back in style. Then you'll be sorry.


If you have ham hocks for arms, maybe you shouldn't wear a shirt that accentuates them. It's a big dollop of arm-fat wrapped in the 70's.


Oh, look, Rosie O'Donnell fucked Billy Idol and pooped out this fucking larva of shame. Quit sneering at me.


~*~INSTANT RAVE!~*~ Go back to the Punky Color factory and swim around until your skin peels off. At least you'll get a rotten.com t-shirt out of it.


Imagine the conversation going on in that picture: "Want to go to Denny's?" "I don't know, I'm depressed..." "Come on, we can freak out the normals."


VIVA LA REVOLUCION! PIE-FACED HIPSTERS WITH ACNE UNITE!!! Seriously, this picture is so leftist and galvanizing I want to go burn Seattle. I want to go jack off on a copy of Adbusters while eating vegan jerky and singing a Rage Against The Machine song.


Nothing complements an apres-ski sweater quite like a glazed expression. It's the look that says, "I go to Sundance. I'm worthless."


The only thing sadder than white people dancing to rap music is fat people dancing to rap music.



THIS POST HAS SCREENED COMMENTS. Post a picture of YOUR WORST STYLE MOMENT EVER and I'll include it in my next post. If you have to get drunk first, I understand.
Link5 comments|Leave a comment

dscf0001.jpg [Mar. 31st, 2007|02:52 pm]
The Fashion Pigs

zephyrcrow

It's awkward when your junior high math teacher is in a blues-funk fusion band, because you just know you're obligated to go see him play. Then you're in class, making Excel spreadsheets to calculate the price of bananas, and he comes by with a saucy wink and starts fishing for compliments.


"You're kidding, right? We're in public. People can see us. Button up your shirt and stop being so California Casual."


I'd look embarrassed too if I was sitting next to two intense punk-rock astronauts. Actually, I'd be thinking about the Challenger explosion.


No, no, not the guy in front. He's just dicking around and knows his John Waters moustache is ridiculous.
But check out the guy behind him, Mr. Confidence. His wrap-around shades are spirit-gummed to his forehead to hide the lobotomy scar. He is the personification of an Eddie Bauer Edition Ford Explorer.


Welcome back to G4 TV! Right now we're teleconferencing with Darkwolf, who writes snuff fiction on alt.sex.stories.moderated... goddamn it, can we get a wide shot please? His thousand-yard stare is shrinking my frontal lobe.


Every time a Juggalo takes a bad webcam picture, an angel gets its wings. When I say "angel," I mean me, and when I say "wings," I mean the sudden impulse to projectile vomit.


It's a good idea to coat your Realdolls with a thin layer of acrylic shoe waterproofer before a night on the town. Also, give one of them a glass eye as a conversation piece.


When the 10-year-old children around you are cracking the fuck up and thinking about writing an Encyclopedia Dramatica article about you, maybe it's time to get out of the fursuit.


I wouldn't be so smug if I had a collapsed chin, a kiddie pool full of LA Looks hair gel, and a friend I bought at American Eagle Outfitters.
Link3 comments|Leave a comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]