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The Fashion Pigs

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Marni, Roberto Cavalli, Dsquared (Fall/Winter '07) [Jan. 19th, 2007|03:17 am]
The Fashion Pigs

I hate fashion now more than ever. Is it because I'm dehydrated and kinda pissy right now? Maybe. Is it because LJ fashion fangirls drool over everything with a logo and faux fur? Definitely.

Well, I thought I'd share some of my hatred with the world, in convenient little bite-sized pieces. I'm like Joan Rivers, except fat and Asian.

Apparently a hot thing for the next season is to look as sexless and unhappy as possible. This pretty much sums up the whole Marni collection.

While looking sexless and unhappy, try to channel the twin spirits of the AC/DC schoolboy guitarist and a homeless elf. I want to picture him riding a Vespa made of Keebler cookies.

The really funny part is, you have to realize there are people out there who consider this a "Look" that they want to try to incorporate into their own shit. Someone sees this knobby-kneed, man-sized little boy and says "Ooooooh!"

This hip guy went out to an ironic karaoke bar, woke up still drunk, and bought a little old Chinese lady's coat from the thrift store. Then he was like, "Oh shit, I'm late for the fashion show!" And the designer realized that he was actually kinda inspired, and just let him roll with it.

Jarvis Cocker decided to stop DJing and fucking supermodels, and get back to his roots of being a Hot Topic kid. Nah, just kidding, this is Jesse Camp.

Guy, everything you are wearing is made of sharp points, including your cheekbones. You're my Thinspiration because I want to turn into a Ken doll made out of razor blades.

Not to be all oppressive, but I just want you to know that I'm fighting the urge to throw acid on your face.

You look like an ad for Transitions lenses, crossed with a Flash website intro from 1998. I bet your name is Brent or Trevor.

If you were going to trade in your dick for an outfit, you could have picked a much better outfit. Enjoy the Boys' Choir, nullo.

Sup, Haute Couture Jeffrey Dahmer? Skinning a cat and wearing a huge belt buckle isn't going to make me stop picking on you.

It's the walking personification of Lilith Fair, only without any tits. That reminds me, I hate Ani DiFranco and I hate this outfit.

Hey, fangirls who liked Pirates of the Caribbean. This is what you get. THIS IS WHAT YOU GET. You get guys walking around in shirts that look like Paris Hilton's beef curtains. Thanks a lot for allowing this to happen.

Somewhere at the intersection of Vacant and Plastic, this guy just wanders around going, "Can you spare a quarter?" (Many of you know that I'm into the look where you grab a bunch of shit from the recycling center and staple it all over your body, but this outfit is just doing it alllll wrong.)

Oh, really? You got beaten up a lot in high school? Wow, how totally unexpected.

See, this outfit isn't actually so bad. I'm digging the coat, the tie and shirt (which are a little unconventional in texture so it works) and- HOLY GOD DUDE YOUR PANTS ARE A BIG SLIMY FUCKING TURD!

The combination of riot gear and Catholic schoolgirl would be a huge turn-on if they were on a hot girl. Instead, he looks like he sings operatic metal. Whoops.

You see, these are the people who make fashion happen. These people have the wacky ideas that eventually get boiled down into knock-offs at Mervyn's. And they look like the Cheng and Eng of talk-show hosts... what the hell? Are they wearing actual horse tack?

That's it, I quit clothing. Next time you see me, I'll be wearing burlap and chicken wire.
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Land of Confusion [Dec. 6th, 2006|10:38 am]
The Fashion Pigs

There are a shit-ton of ridiculous hipsters at CR, and I have to admit, I keep mistaking them for crackheads. I think it's a combination of the weird unwashed hair and the puffy 80's jackets. I mean, what the hell? They're paying lots of money to look that shitty, while it's possible to do that for close to free. Sometimes if they have headsets, they'll even talk to themselves.

I was at Target the other day (don't ask) and and I saw these pants that were pre-ripped and pre-covered in filth, and they were selling for $30 each. Some marketing exec at Mossimo is laughing his ass off. Well... not funny, guy, because now I can't tell the difference at my college and it's pissing me off. If I see a dude who's all skinny and wearing stained high-tops, I don't know whether to kick him in the teeth or give him some dimes.


I know you're thinking, "A crackhead wouldn't go to college!" Yeah, me too, until I was accosted by someone COVERED in track marks outside of the Art building. Funny thing - at first I assumed he was just a hipster. I'm going to buy them all nametags.
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Fashion Hindenburg [Feb. 19th, 2007|05:57 pm]
The Fashion Pigs

Some mornings I wake up and it's actually night-time. That's pretty close to how I felt today, when I looked at men.style.com and I knew it was 2007 but felt like it was the mid-nineties.

(Michael Bastian)

This look says "Republican pundit," not only because of the bucket hat and fucking BOW TIE, but also because it makes me want to punch freedom.

Everything, from the not-posed-at-all posture to the wow-hella-random vintage shirt, screams "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LIKE ME AND THINK I AM HIP." Okay, dude. You're the hippest person at the party. Now leave so everyone else can have fun.

I also like to wear fifteen different things at a time. The difference is, I don't wash anything ever. I find the synergy between "horrible appearance" and "horrible smell" really pulls the whole thing together.

(Y-3 [Yohji Yamamoto])

I predict the "military insignia on a confused child" look is going to be super big this year among people with giant necks.

There was one of these guys at every high school. A lot of the time he liked to breakdance or talk about how orcs were real. We called the one at our school "Du Hast" because one time this girl hit him with a stick and he screamed "YOU HATE ME" and ran away. Later on he claimed to be a warlock.

Sometimes Japanese people like to wear themed clothing, like an entire outfit based on an athletic shoe. I like it better when their outfits are based on Lolita or hookers.

(Michael Kors)

It's pretty good to look like a Stepford wife who's being followed by the dad from OH!Mikey.

The hanky code is getting less and less discreet each year. Next Fall, people will be wearing big signs that say, "I'm a dirty little fuck-pig who likes to be peed on."

A real luxury among the jet-set is to pay a witch doctor to shrink your head, turning it into another fashion accessory. It's kinda like those lizard guys from the Mario Brothers movie. Which reminds me, Samantha Mathis is hot.
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